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in dire need of deconstructive criticism
ichtyandr2011 wrote in bpsociety
A prayer
*
My senses note their existence
The sun is burning out my sense
My knowledge is a fragile web
Emotions just get in my way
*
I cannot watch the burning sun
It makes my inner vision blind
I will not fail to see a truth
My reason is a shadow too
*
My thoughts about to explode
I know what many people dont
No choices matter once I'm gone
Infinite run takes them to void
*
I'm calm and peaceful but so far
I have observed what makes me dull
I can't divide myself by null
But one who does is close, not far


Dark Man
*
The dark man
Is following me
He will not concede
Until I recede
*
I cannot see him
But he saw through me
What a familiar
Sense of a liar
*
I could not grasp face
So instead I asked:
“How long
are you gonna stay?”
*
“For long” - I can swear
I could hear the reply
And last thing I thought was this
*
Don' try to prevail
You're to no avail
And I won't accept your help

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if I didn't know the author and I surely don't, I'd have thought that it is some kind of puberty-emo cry of a guy, who's just revealed that he has senses, feelings and reason. Nice for a LJ diary.
"I can't divide myself by null" - ;)) lurk moar here http://lurkmore.ru/%D0%94%D0%B5%D0%BB%D0%B5%D0%BD%D0%B8%D0%B5_%D0%BD%D0%B0_%D0%BD%D0%BE%D0%BB%D1%8C

Dark man? - aye, after Yesenin's no "dark man" shall pass!


both of these are wonderfully musical-- i especially appreciate the rhythm of the second poem-- and i believe that that's the mark of a true poet. it's also refreshing to see that rhyme is not dead in contemporary poetry.

way to go! i would love to hear these read out-loud.

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